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Hi friends, I'm sorry it's been so long since I have written. I've needed to take a little time to be in my own world. I turned 30 yesterday...I wasn't sure how I would feel about it...and I've decided that it's ok. I felt a little sad at how fast time flies. It feels like yesterday I was 15 and didn't yet have many cares. Life has layered on many more joys and complications since then. Yesterday was also the day my fourth pregnancy loss was confirmed. I was 6.5 weeks pregnant, but I've known it wasn't going well from practically the beginning...just by how the levels of the pregnancy hormone HCG wasn't doubling every 2 days like it should. It's been a nerve-wracking few weeks living in 2 day increments to see if the blood tests showed better results...and always feeling let down and sad. I now know for sure and it's a relief to at least know what is happening (the docs were really thinking it was another ectopic and luckily it wasn't.) My amazing husband took me on a well-planned birthday trip to Rockport, MA for a few days to do touristy things in the area and to just escape to the healing ocean. It was just what we needed to clear our heads, have some fun together, and relax a little...we had to return yesterday, July 14, for the final blood work and ultrasound that would confirm what we already had known. I'm in a good place now with the whole thing. I have a really good feeling about the next time. Fifth time will be the charm, I just know it. I have a deep feeling of peace inside and know it will all work out. I've never had that feeling before and I certainly welcome it! Some friends have asked how I can keep such a positive outlook and I just say that it takes hard work and a lot of thinking. And here's what I know: I am lucky. Very, very lucky. I have the ability to get pregnant...something many people struggle with. I need to remember to be grateful. I can keep trying. There are young women out there who are losing their battles with cancer who will never know what having a child will be like...who would trade with me in a second to have these problems. My heart aches for those families who are losing a loved one much too soon. I am grateful for what I have and thank God every day for the abundance in my life. It is easy to get caught up in a problem and it is important to pull out the lens and get the bigger picture...that we are all part of nature and the cycle of this thing called life. It is a joyous and bumpy ride and one that I choose to enjoy and cherish. I owe it to those who cannot.
Have you ever woken up one day and just felt different? Like the track you have been riding on what seems like forever suddenly disappears and you're on a new one...new scenery, new backdrop, new location...yet the physical things around you stay the same? As my longtime readers know, I have struggled with my fertility and had 3 losses in the last year. The anniversary date of the first loss has just passed over the weekend and I didn't cry. It's amazing, but true. Because of that first experience of pregnancy, I have feverishly tried to replicate it every month since then. Yearning to have that feeling again. I felt it twice more, but lost it just as quickly. This deep seeded desperation had taken over my life as I scoured blogs and medical websites for answers. My daily life consumed with taking my temperature every morning and reading the "signs" just in case I need to go back to the doctor later for more evaluating. I've been consumed by grief as I try to get it back--trying to conceive that miracle I'd been blessed with for such a short time. I've come to realize that none of this helps--None of it. It is a counter productive use of my time and I get nothing from it but worry. I've decided that assuming I will need to go back to the doctor for evaluation doesn't help me. Taking my temps every day just puts out that negative feeling into the world that says "hey, this isn't going to work so I need months of data to bring to the doctor when too much time has passed." I'm going to remove all the blogs I have bookmarked that relate to infertility or pregnancy struggles. I'm to no longer scour medical websites. I will no longer take my temps each morning or look for signs. I will fill my life with affirmations of joy and positivity. The dark gray cloud that has been following me can take a hike now. I don't need you anymore. No, I'm not pregnant now. But. I WILL be a mother. I WILL have a healthy pregnancy. I WILL have a healthy child. That is all I need to know. I don't know when, but I know it will happen. It's time to tuck these spirits away, gently, and whisper "it is ok; you can go now. I will be ok without you. I will never forget you" And now, I can breathe.
Here is a song from Coldplay that I firmly identify with. It hits the nail on the head for how exactly I feel. Could he be singing to me? For me, this song speaks to the issues of losing my babies and the feelings of grief I've endured. It's such a gentle song and a lovely one. It's called "Fix You." You can listen to the full track here. Just be sure to hit the "play" button.
"Fix You"
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what your worth"
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
Hello! Happy belated Valentine's day...I'm pretty low key about the day, so I didn't feel like posting about it. For those who have been following along with my drama of trying to conceive: It was also the day that we met with our Reproductive Endocrinologist to find out the results of my seemingly thousands of blood tests. Most everything (the possible blood clotting disorders and things like that) came back normal (yay!) But they found one thing. I have a genetic mutation called the MTHFR C677T mutation. The genetic polymorphisms of MTHFR C677T are associated with unexplained recurrent early spontanous abortion. (early miscarriages). My RE believes that this is what has been causing my losses. A large percentage of the population has at least one mutation (inherited). I have 2 mutations since I inherited one from my Mom and one from my Dad. This is a lot more rare. This is also reminding me of Sophomore Biology class...
Anyway, apparently it is linked with risk for cardiovascular disease and blood clots in the veins. Grrrrreeeeaaaaaat. So, as I understand it, they have to check my homocysteine levels each year to make sure they aren't too high (thus causing clots and possible hardening of the arteries in the future). The mutation (if you have 2) is also possibly linked to episodes of depression (which I battle) and possibly to migraines. What do you do to help matters you ask? Well, I have to take a simple prescribed supplement with a TON of extra folic acid and vitamin B6 and vitamin B12. I will have to take it daily for the rest of my life. Now that I'm trying to have a child, I also have to take a prenatal vitamin along with it (just to give me even MORE of aforementioned vitamins). I've already been taking them daily, but I guess it wasn't nearly enough for me. These will supposedly keep the levels of homocysteine down. I guess the mutation causes my body not to process those particular vitamins properly and thus I need 4 times more than the normal person. Not having enough Folic acid can cause birth defects/problems with an early pregnancy hence the miscarriages.
Sorry for all the scientific talk, but I thought it would help for anyone else going through something similar. Overall, it's a simple fix that SUPPOSEDLY should help me keep a pregnancy with me in the future. We shall see. I'm always tired, so I'm happy that I'm taking tons of extra B12 now. It should give me my energy I always seem to lack (a nice side effect!) I'm happy that's all they found (well, that and my slight t-shape I mentioned in an earlier post) and that it's treatable. So, Valentine's Day brought us some much-awaited and prayed-for answers. That beats out chocolates any day. Despite a few obstacles, it looks like the future for a wee one is looking much more bright. And now, back to our regularly artsy posts...
Hello! Well, holy hell... today's test hurt so badly. UGH! It seemed like it was ok during the procedure...just very uncomfortable. But the pain I felt afterward had me in some tears and a bit of writhing and gnashing of teeth ensued. I feel much better now and am happy it's done. The doc there at the hospital said my tubes are free-flowing and clear! No blockages or issues there. But (of course there's a "but") my uterus is "a bit T-shaped." (his words). He went on to say "But it shouldn't be too much of a problem." Well, I hadn't realized it COULD be a problem. So, of course I got home and googled it...and didn't see much by way of good news for the condition. It seems, though, to explain the ectopic pregnancy and miscarriages. So after a lot of tears and stress, I've left a message with my RE hoping she would call me back once she gets the official results from the hospital...rather than me waiting a few weeks to see her in person. I'd like to be able to, you know, SLEEP tonight knowing what she thinks in terms of MY situation. Googling OTHER people's situations doesn't help because their "T" might be more "T-like" than mine. Or perhaps their uterus looked more like some other letter of the alphabet...or a wingding symbol you get when you hit lots of key combinations together on the computer. I know I shouldn't panic when I don't know the details. But that's why I panic. And I can't help it. So that's that. We'll see what happens!
The pics above are of some stationery I made for my Mom for Christmas. Growing up her nickname in her family was "queen bee" since she was the only little girl amongst many boy cousins her same general age. So her stationery has a bee at the top. I know it's obvious, but only to her I think. I'll be back tomorrow with more design fun!
Hello! It's the weekend! Too bad I'm working through most of it...but I'll be sure to take lots of time to read some new favorite magazines and watch some tv. We watched the movie "Superbad" last night...I thought it was hysterical. Just something fun to get lost in while having the puppy sleep in our laps. I'm proud I made it through yesterday...it would have been my due date from my pregnancy back in April
I was sort of dreading how I would feel at this time ever since it happened and it wasn't as bad as I thought. Of course, running around watching the puppy and working for much of the day kept me good and distracted. I can say I feel much more at peace now about the whole event and am excited for the future. We visited a reproductive endocrinologist a few weeks ago after my latest miscarriage and they ran tons of tests on my blood looking for clotting disorders and chromosomal abnormalities. I have more tests coming up this month and am hoping to get to the bottom of what has been going on. It feels good to take action rather than wait around for bad things to just happen TO me. Even if they find out nothing is wrong...I will feel good knowing that it's just up to nature and that's all there is to it. And if there IS something wrong...well...we can work to fix it and hope for the best. It's all we can do with anything, right? So, that's that. It's hard to feel sad anyway when you get to look at this:
She loves to sleep on my husband's legs and nestle right in there. Happy weekend everyone! I'm off to pray for some wedding design magic. I'll see you soon with some more recent projects....thanks everyone for your kind words on my last posts. It feels good to know I have such a great group of people out there who support me and my work. It's so encouraging...so thanks!! You make my day much brighter!
Ugh. Things just aren't going so great in our journey to conceive a child. I'm having another miscarriage right now. My second miscarriage and third pregnancy loss...all in a row. The nurse who is working with me has suggested I see a fertility specialist (a reproductive endocrinologist) to figure out what might be wrong. But, they typically wait until you have 3 or more unexplained miscarriages and I've only had 2. So, we will try (in the future) one more time. Hopefully I won't need to see a specialist and it will work out that time. But, I will expect the worst and hope for the best. I need to remember how lucky I am...that I can catch the egg. Now, I just need it to stay with me more than a few days. We knew this one was coming because I was having blood tests every other day to make sure things looked alright. We learned right away that we were doomed, so at least it wasn't a surprise. They tested my thyroid for problems this time around and nothing was out of the ordinary. I know it will happen for us one day; it's just a hard journey where each loss feels so traumatic yet is old news to those around you.
I'll keep you posted, of course, if any developments happen in that area of my life. This blog, "Megan creates..." is about creating. It's about creating art, design, and creating each day. It's even about my attempts to create life. A task I have very little control of and one that is harder than I ever imagined. The word create can mean so many things and doesn't always mean in the way of creativity. It's about waking up each morning and knowing you are working with a blank canvas and each decision you make that day shapes and molds your experience. Whether you're creating a fabulous meal, a mess, a cozy nest to live in, a marriage, or a snazzy career...
Onto a different side of my life: work. I've completed lots of personalized letterpress orders this week and it's been so much fun to work on them. I'm really getting the hang of my press and the little things I need to do to keep it working. My press is in my basement studio space where it is cold. So, in summer I have to adjust the tape on the rails to be one way while it's warm while in winter I adjust them differently. I've got it down so I don't need to experiment anymore...it always seems to be a set formula for the tape. Finally, I get even prints every time. Progress! This makes it easier since I have a few more projects to print this week and I really need everything to cooperate! Stay tuned tomorrow as I'll show my latest shop item.
In light of the fact that this blog is about my personal AND creative life I need to vent a little bit about the last day of our trip in Florence. I woke up that morning to discover I was having an apparent miscarriage. We'd happily found out we were pregnant again not long before the trip, so I was a bit nervous each day. The nurse at the practice I go to here at home had warned me saying that if I saw even the slightest speck of blood to go to the emergency room. She was nervous due to our experience with the cornual ectopic pregnancy I had back in May (you can read about that experience here); and thought the odds were higher for a dangerous ectopic again. I was scared something bad would happen to me in a foreign country where I didn't know the procedures or speak the language. Anyway, when I saw the blood I panicked. We ran to the front desk where they got us a cab to take us to the "English speaking" hospital. Well, when we got there we couldn't find anyone who spoke English (which I can understand in a regular hospital...but I thought people were able to speak some English at the "English speaking" hospital which was the reason we'd asked to go there). We couldn't read the signs or figure out where to go once inside. I was in a crying frenzy and we felt so confused. Anyway, eventually we found a nurse who I managed to communicate with via Charades and gestures. She found one doctor who spoke English and we were off...they hooked me to an iv and took a bunch of blood. The next thing we know, he was explaining that an ambulance was going to take us to a "gynecological hospital" where they had the right equipment. So, I get strapped to this gurney and covered in blankets and whisked into the ambulance. Still crying and in a panic I still couldn't tell what anyone was saying...and then the sirens came on. I thought "are you kidding me?!" We jetted through the streets of Florence for about 10 minutes...I had to guess that the shocks were out in that vehicle because I swear I felt every cobblestone and pothole we went over. Anyway, at the next hospital we found that most of the staff didn't speak a lick of English there (which we'd assumed), so I was doing a lot of gesturing and sign language to get across what was happening. They wheeled me into this sort of open area with an exam table and an ultrasound machine. It was the sort of room anyone in the hospital would have to pass through to get to other rooms so I felt like I was on display. To my relief, the doctor spoke enough English where we could understand each other and my exam began. It was HORRIBLE. There was so privacy, no private exam room, no gown to put on, no sheet to cover me. NOTHING. I had 3 nurses staring at me, and not at my face. Which I imagined would be the scene one day when I have a baby, but not NOW! And they all looked horrified at the grisly scene and ended up putting a METAL BUCKET under me where I sat at the edge of the table. I felt like some sort of cow.
Of course, the ultrasound showed nothing and he told me what I already knew, but confirmed it was not ectopic. One nurse could see the fear and panic in my face as I shook and cried...she came over to me and stroked my arm and my hair and said soothing words I didn't understand. That simple gesture made me feel so much better. Later, we were released and wandered out in the daylight to find it was raining and we had no idea where we were. Hmm. No coats, no umberellas, and a crying Megan. We shuffled through the streets trying to get to a main drag or someplace that looked like taxis would frequent. Finally, we found a taxi stand at a different hospital and the whole ordeal was done. The good part? From start to finish I was back at the hotel and resting in 2 hours. It was quick, efficient, and to the point. It wasn't what I'd planned for our last day, but that's what we got. I know now that the pregnancy never really progressed past implantation and that is the thought I cling to. It was all a "routine miscarriage" as they say, except this experience was anything but routine for a girl from a small New England town! Anyway, onward and upward. Two pregnancies down, hopefully the third time is the charm, right? I have learned that anything can happen. The third may not work out either. Or it could. I always thought that I might be the one to beat the odds and have a healthy normal pregnancy right away and now I realize that trying for a child is a solemn thing that cannot be planned, predicted or controlled. There is no fairness involved; only the hope that someday it will all work out for the best. Thanks for letting me vent!
