Sunday, April 30, 2006

The thrill of revenge?

Did you ever have a bully when you were a kid? As a small, shy, and insecure girl I was an easy target. While I was always nice to everyone, lots of kids found it fun to pick on me and call me names. I remember this mean older kid who was a sort of nemises to my older brother....he would follow me home from school with his little minions and say that I was "Cassidy's younger BROTHER" (clever to say that I was a little boy or something despite my wearing a dress.). He would then throw icy snowballs at me as I screamed and ran as fast as my little legs would go. I dreaded that walk home. But one day, as I breathlessly ran through the kitchen door with tears streaming down my face, my brother ran outside and chased that bully away with his own snowballs and several choice swear-words. I felt so proud that my brother defended me that day.
Not all bullies were boys. There was this nasty clique of girls in our school who thought they were the greatest things on earth. Now, I wasn't part of that clique, but I DID have lots of friends. Anyway, she loved to make fun of me and call me names and do whatever she could to assert that she was "cooler" than me. I completely HATED her. She was in my gym class along with all the rest of her coven. I remember she started making fun of me as we stood in line for roll call. I got so mad I actually stood up for myself and started making fun of her back. We went back and forth and then she yelled out the dreaded "Oh YEAH!! Well at LEAST I have FRIENDS!!!!" I stood there, embarrassed and stunned. None of my friends were in the same class as me. I had nobody to defend me. I just stood there there was a huge spotlight on me. I felt like Carrie from the Stephen King novel. I went beyond mad to exceedingly calm and composed. That day, we were playing floor hockey (my favorite). We were both slated to face-off. I remember the teacher dropping the ball on the floor and as we both went to hit it, I "accidentally" missed and smashed her shins with the hockey stick instead. Ooops!! We both ran all over the floor. Normally, I was so good at the game. But I just kept smacking her shins "by accident." She soon caught on and began to yell "she's hitting me on purpose!!!!" I just batted my innocent blue eyes at the teacher and said "no I'm not, I'm really sorry! I don't MEAN to!" I was known for never acting out or getting into trouble. He didn't think that I would do such a thing. But I continued the entire rest of the class making it my vendetta and purpose to make her hurt just like she'd hurt me. She soon began to run away from me and stopped going near me. (heh heh). At the end of class, her shins were all black and blue and had welts on them. The months of her making fun of me were over and she never bothered me directly again. And I never had anything to do with her again. She always remained a snob. And to this day, I know that what I did was wrong. And I don't think I could ever forget the years of her making fun of me. She'd made me so miserable. Violence is never the answer. Because to this day I still get annoyed at the memory of her. I can't help it. And in all honesty, I got thrilling satisfaction by "accidentally" hitting her with that hockey stick. The memory makes me smile. And if nothing else, I've learned to accept that I'm proud of it. And I'm not sorry. :) Sometimes, it feels good to simply not be the bigger person. Sometimes.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Illustration Friday Topic: Speed

Now that it's spring, soon the dragonflies will be out and about. Because our house is surrounded by protected forest and wetlands (and also have a lake across the street), we get lots of dragonflies. From little to huge; they dart around the yard. They're fun to watch! Now if only we could get rid of the nightmare mobs of mosquitos we'd be all set.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Accentuate the Positive.

My gosh! It's been so long since I've last written. I'm sorry I've been M.I.A. It's been hectic getting my new freelance design career underway. I'm happy to report I've been plenty busy and doing really well so far! I couldn't be more thrilled. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted and I'm finally doing what I was meant to do! It's great being able to make my own decisions about how I spend the day. I feel so much more free and happy. I feel like a new person. I just feel relieved and optimistic all the time now. woo!
Today is Saturday, and that means NO WORK. That being said, I slept in late and I just finished a hot chocolate topped off with Fluff. Mmmmm. I love Fluff. I like it as a sandwich with peanut-butter. I like it on crackers for S'mores. And I like it topped on hot chocolate. I know it can't be good for me; but everything in moderation.
Last night we watched "Ghost Whisperer" which comes off as a bit cheesy, but so addictive. I'm fascinated by the premise that we are surrounded by "ghosts" who have unfinished business here and need help before they can "cross over" to wherever they go. There's a part of me that believes parts of this. I know I'll never know for sure. I choose to think my departed loved ones can still come and visit me whenever they want. They provide guidance and comfort when I most need it. And they cheer for me during my successes. They are the angels that guide me through life. It comforts me to believe in that and I think that's ok. As for the TV show; despite its being a bit cheesy, I like it. It's not about doctors or lawyers or police officers. It's refreshing with it's positive messages. And it's not "reality tv" which is more and more annoying with each show (and not real at all). And Jennifer Love Hewitt gets a lot of flack for being who she is. And lots of people don't like her. I don't really have an opinion on her. She seems nice. But what I do like is how her character on her show is so cheerful and helpful and positive. There's so little of that in the world of television that I feel parched and thirsty for it. I need that little ray of light sometimes, you know? True life is filled with enough stress and drama and issues. Sometimes I like to escape to a world where someone is ever-cheerful and me crazy, but I like it. Every other show lets me escape to a world of murder, mysteries, court-dramas, and hospital traumas. How is that escaping to a place I WANT to be? So, I try to watch less television and find my own ways to get lost in positive things. And that makes me feel good too.