Sunday, April 30, 2006

The thrill of revenge?

Did you ever have a bully when you were a kid? As a small, shy, and insecure girl I was an easy target. While I was always nice to everyone, lots of kids found it fun to pick on me and call me names. I remember this mean older kid who was a sort of nemises to my older brother....he would follow me home from school with his little minions and say that I was "Cassidy's younger BROTHER" (clever to say that I was a little boy or something despite my wearing a dress.). He would then throw icy snowballs at me as I screamed and ran as fast as my little legs would go. I dreaded that walk home. But one day, as I breathlessly ran through the kitchen door with tears streaming down my face, my brother ran outside and chased that bully away with his own snowballs and several choice swear-words. I felt so proud that my brother defended me that day.
Not all bullies were boys. There was this nasty clique of girls in our school who thought they were the greatest things on earth. Now, I wasn't part of that clique, but I DID have lots of friends. Anyway, she loved to make fun of me and call me names and do whatever she could to assert that she was "cooler" than me. I completely HATED her. She was in my gym class along with all the rest of her coven. I remember she started making fun of me as we stood in line for roll call. I got so mad I actually stood up for myself and started making fun of her back. We went back and forth and then she yelled out the dreaded "Oh YEAH!! Well at LEAST I have FRIENDS!!!!" I stood there, embarrassed and stunned. None of my friends were in the same class as me. I had nobody to defend me. I just stood there there was a huge spotlight on me. I felt like Carrie from the Stephen King novel. I went beyond mad to exceedingly calm and composed. That day, we were playing floor hockey (my favorite). We were both slated to face-off. I remember the teacher dropping the ball on the floor and as we both went to hit it, I "accidentally" missed and smashed her shins with the hockey stick instead. Ooops!! We both ran all over the floor. Normally, I was so good at the game. But I just kept smacking her shins "by accident." She soon caught on and began to yell "she's hitting me on purpose!!!!" I just batted my innocent blue eyes at the teacher and said "no I'm not, I'm really sorry! I don't MEAN to!" I was known for never acting out or getting into trouble. He didn't think that I would do such a thing. But I continued the entire rest of the class making it my vendetta and purpose to make her hurt just like she'd hurt me. She soon began to run away from me and stopped going near me. (heh heh). At the end of class, her shins were all black and blue and had welts on them. The months of her making fun of me were over and she never bothered me directly again. And I never had anything to do with her again. She always remained a snob. And to this day, I know that what I did was wrong. And I don't think I could ever forget the years of her making fun of me. She'd made me so miserable. Violence is never the answer. Because to this day I still get annoyed at the memory of her. I can't help it. And in all honesty, I got thrilling satisfaction by "accidentally" hitting her with that hockey stick. The memory makes me smile. And if nothing else, I've learned to accept that I'm proud of it. And I'm not sorry. :) Sometimes, it feels good to simply not be the bigger person. Sometimes.

No comments: