time to fly

Have you ever woken up one day and just felt different? Like the track you have been riding on what seems like forever suddenly disappears and you're on a new one...new scenery, new backdrop, new location...yet the physical things around you stay the same? As my longtime readers know, I have struggled with my fertility and had 3 losses in the last year. The anniversary date of the first loss has just passed over the weekend and I didn't cry. It's amazing, but true. Because of that first experience of pregnancy, I have feverishly tried to replicate it every month since then. Yearning to have that feeling again. I felt it twice more, but lost it just as quickly. This deep seeded desperation had taken over my life as I scoured blogs and medical websites for answers. My daily life consumed with taking my temperature every morning and reading the "signs" just in case I need to go back to the doctor later for more evaluating. I've been consumed by grief as I try to get it back--trying to conceive that miracle I'd been blessed with for such a short time. I've come to realize that none of this helps--None of it. It is a counter productive use of my time and I get nothing from it but worry. I've decided that assuming I will need to go back to the doctor for evaluation doesn't help me. Taking my temps every day just puts out that negative feeling into the world that says "hey, this isn't going to work so I need months of data to bring to the doctor when too much time has passed." I'm going to remove all the blogs I have bookmarked that relate to infertility or pregnancy struggles. I'm to no longer scour medical websites. I will no longer take my temps each morning or look for signs. I will fill my life with affirmations of joy and positivity. The dark gray cloud that has been following me can take a hike now. I don't need you anymore. No, I'm not pregnant now. But. I WILL be a mother. I WILL have a healthy pregnancy. I WILL have a healthy child. That is all I need to know. I don't know when, but I know it will happen. It's time to tuck these spirits away, gently, and whisper "it is ok; you can go now. I will be ok without you. I will never forget you" And now, I can breathe.

Here is a song from Coldplay that I firmly identify with. It hits the nail on the head for how exactly I feel. Could he be singing to me? For me, this song speaks to the issues of losing my babies and the feelings of grief I've endured. It's such a gentle song and a lovely one. It's called "Fix You." You can listen to the full track here. Just be sure to hit the "play" button.

"Fix You"

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what your worth"

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...


Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...


Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.