Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Time


Hi friends, I'm sorry it's been so long since I have written. I've needed to take a little time to be in my own world. I turned 30 yesterday...I wasn't sure how I would feel about it...and I've decided that it's ok. I felt a little sad at how fast time flies. It feels like yesterday I was 15 and didn't yet have many cares. Life has layered on many more joys and complications since then. Yesterday was also the day my fourth pregnancy loss was confirmed. I was 6.5 weeks pregnant, but I've known it wasn't going well from practically the beginning...just by how the levels of the pregnancy hormone HCG wasn't doubling every 2 days like it should. It's been a nerve-wracking few weeks living in 2 day increments to see if the blood tests showed better results...and always feeling let down and sad. I now know for sure and it's a relief to at least know what is happening (the docs were really thinking it was another ectopic and luckily it wasn't.) My amazing husband took me on a well-planned birthday trip to Rockport, MA for a few days to do touristy things in the area and to just escape to the healing ocean. It was just what we needed to clear our heads, have some fun together, and relax a little...we had to return yesterday, July 14, for the final blood work and ultrasound that would confirm what we already had known. I'm in a good place now with the whole thing. I have a really good feeling about the next time. Fifth time will be the charm, I just know it. I have a deep feeling of peace inside and know it will all work out. I've never had that feeling before and I certainly welcome it! Some friends have asked how I can keep such a positive outlook and I just say that it takes hard work and a lot of thinking. And here's what I know: I am lucky. Very, very lucky. I have the ability to get pregnant...something many people struggle with. I need to remember to be grateful. I can keep trying. There are young women out there who are losing their battles with cancer who will never know what having a child will be like...who would trade with me in a second to have these problems. My heart aches for those families who are losing a loved one much too soon. I am grateful for what I have and thank God every day for the abundance in my life. It is easy to get caught up in a problem and it is important to pull out the lens and get the bigger picture...that we are all part of nature and the cycle of this thing called life. It is a joyous and bumpy ride and one that I choose to enjoy and cherish. I owe it to those who cannot.

8 comments:

Soper said...

Megan,
I am so sorry for your loss. I do hope that someday you have your happy ending.

mary said...

Oh Megan, I have tears as I write this. I am so sorry for your loss but you are a really strong woman to have the outlook you do. Your last sentence hit the nail on the head and I'm going to remember those words whenever I have bad days of my own.

Rockport sounds like fun - we lived in Marblehead (and now are in Newburyport) but believe it or not, have never visited Rockport.

Kathleen said...

Oh Megan. First, a very happy birthday to you. From what I've heard from all my friends over 30, 30's are fantastic, and filled with much more clarity and fulfillment than the 20's. I can't wait personally!
I think your positive outlook is amazing. You sound like you are in a good place, grateful for what you have, and hopeful for what will come you way. I am sure the universe will smile on you. Sending lots of positive thoughts and wishes your way:)
K

good thoughts said...

Happy Be-lated birthday Meg.I figured that Chris has wisked you away to something wonderful to celebrate the big 30.

You are an inspiration Megan. Your positive thoughts and optimistic outlook are amazing. Keep them coming, your time will come soon...

nikole said...

Happy belated birthday.

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I am so thankful that you have the hope that you hold in your heart, and I am warmed by the gratitude you express even at this most difficult time. I am hopeful for you too, always, until you have your happy ending.

Poppy Letterpress said...

Oh Megan. My heart sinks each time I see that tag on your posts. But you are an incredible source of inspiration to all of us. Many woman wouldn't be half as strong as you. Your strength and love will pay off, we all know it.

Suzanne said...

Oh Meg. I just don't have the words. I was thinking good thoughts for you all weekend, I'm so sorry things didn't turn out the way you had hoped. I'm glad you are staying positive. Yes, many people have it much worse. But you are certainly entitled to feel angry at the universe right now. Don't beat yourself up if you can't stay positive all of the time. A therapist once told me "you've got to feel to heal" and that it is best to feel the negative feelings rather than squash them down (which I'm not saying you are doing, just repeating some advice I once got when things were going down the shitter).

30 is going to be a blast, I know it! I think some sun and maybe some margaritas are in order for tomorrow!

murphy said...

Sending love and good thoughts your way. I know things will work out just as they should for you. xoxo